Joke Of The Day

[bluesilver]

I don't know if this joke is any good. My work computer has no sound, but after typing "best joke in the world" - this is what I found.

http://www.glumbert.com/media/bestjoke

[bluesilver]

not much of a joke so to speak, still entertaining:

'Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate ------------------
----------------------------------


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support ------------------

-----------------------------

Dear IT Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS*xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself '.

[Gazsurf]

A Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson has reported that all of their
stores across Alabama were completely sold out of ammunition as of
yesterday.

A reliable local source said that one of the purchasers
commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , "They sure as
hell ain't doin' that to Alabama...

[grizldoldfk]

A Cajun went hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to Drive
home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't Like Cajuns.

The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting License, and the Cajun
pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up One of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Louisiana. This is a Texas duck. You got a Texas huntin' license, boy?
"The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting
license.


The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second Duck,
sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Texas duck. This duck's From
Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license? "The Cajun reached into his Wallet and
produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt,
and said "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from Mississippi.
You got a Mississippi huntin' license?" Again the Cajun
Reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at The
Cajun "Just where the hell are you from?" The Cajun turned around, Bent
over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

[budster]

how come the Jew broads wear a two piece bathing-suit?...


.....to separate the meat from the fish.

[Gazsurf]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: 'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son.'"

[Ceedog]

Funny Stuff Gaz.

[budster]

yes! do not fock with the quick-witted. i love it.


....and momma even cooked my breakfast with no hog.
today was a good day.

[the dude]

nice one gaz.

[Gazsurf]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwh
ile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy, some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulya will come end riscue us".. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries!" to "She'll be right, mate!" Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll have to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie's cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[bluesilver]

Good one lmao. I love the spanish subs with glass bottoms LMAO

[Hermgruf]

deleting all my posts.

[eastside]

east: knock knock

you: who's there?

east: smell-mop

you: smell-mop who?

east: NO

[SoyAvenger]

a man walks into a bar named "jerry's" and sits down. he notices one of those big pickled egg style jars on the bar full or $100 bills. he asks the bartender about it, "dont even ask, man, you dont wanna know..." the bartender says.

well, a couple hours and several pitchers later, the guys been getting hammered and staring at this jar of money and grabs the bartender. "i cant take it anymore!" he says. "whats this damn jar all about?" the bartender says, "well, thats a bet we've got goin in the bar, i can tell you what it is, but only if you put in a hundo and take the bet."

well the guys fulla liquid courage, so he pulls out a $100 bill and slaps it on the bar. "ok, this bet has three parts," says the bartender, "first of all, see that guy?" the bartender points to a big biker with a ponytail and a black t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. "thats mike, hes the roughest sob in this town, and hes never been knocked out. the first part of the bet is to knock mike out."

"ok," says the man, "whats next?"

"the second part of the bet is tied up out back," says the bartended, "steve is kinda our bar mascot, now, hes a grizzly bear, so hes usually a pretty nasty ahole, but hes got an absessed tooth, so hes really pissed now. the second part of the bet is to pull steves absessed tooth."

"huh, ok," says the guy, still eyeing up the cash, "and part three?"

"see that old lady?" says the bartender pointing to a decrepit old woman sipping a gin and tonic, "thats agnes, shes 87 years old and has never, shall we say, experienced physical bliss, the third part of the bet is you have to be the man to change that."

the man shudders at the thought, but stares at the bill he stuffed in the jar as he stumbles over, grabs mike by the ponytail, BAM! sticks him in the jaw and puts him out cold.

the mans feelin pretty confident at this point, hikes his pants up and says to the bartender, "one down, two to go!" as he marches out the back door.

next thing you know, all you can hear is the bear snarlin, the man cursin, stuff slammin up against the back of the bar, knockin the dartboard and old license plates off the wall...

that goes on for about 15 minutes, til the man finally stumbles in the back door. hes all bruised and cut up, his clothes half torn off, hes stumbles over to the bartender.

"two down, one to go!" the man says, "now wheres this old lady with the absessed tooth?"

[turtle]

what's the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey team???

a hockey team showers after 3 periods.